Sunday, November 6, 2016

Why Me?

`When I first learned of my diagnosis a few weeks ago, there were certain promises I made to myself.  One of those was that I would fight with all my might and I would NEVER give into the "victim" mentality.  I took some words out of my vocabulary, like "I can't", "I give up", "why me".

I made it through my first Chemo treatment on Thursday with flying colors.  I kept a positive attitude, faced my fears head on, and never looked back.  The first two days after treatment were better than I expected.  Some queasiness, some tiredness, but nothing too bad.  I was grateful and optimistic.

Then the third day came.  I woke up with pain in my jaw.  It's o.k. I thought, I just won't chew on that side of my mouth.  And I successfully managed, but by last night, the pains came.  Shooting, hot, pulsating pains from my knees down into my feet.  They were horrible.  I couldn't get comfortable and I couldn't get them under control.  In a moment of weakness I began to cry, and I found myself asking "why me".  

I quickly gave myself a virtual slap across the face, pulled myself together, and took a deep breath.  Why me? I'll tell you why me!

Maybe it's me because God knows I'm a fighter, not a quitter?  Maybe it's me because I need to instill that “never give up” quality into my family?  Maybe there's no better way for my kids to learn to never give up than by watching their mother battle a horrible disease with all her might?

Maybe it's me so I can become an inspiration to others around me? If one person can use me as encouragement to battle whatever demons they are facing with determination, then this is worth it. 

Maybe it's me so I can learn to put things into perspective?  Maybe it's ok that my life, kids, finances, job, house, marriage, etc aren't perfect.  We are not put here for perfection, only God can achieve that. We are put on this earth to inspire, love, and teach each other.  My kids' rooms are a hot mess right now.  Guess what?  I don't care.  Their messy rooms are not a reflection of the wonderful, loving, intelligent people they are. As parents, aren't we supposed to raise good people?  Who cares if they are messy!  Although, I would appreciate dishes going into the dishwasher rather than the sink! :)

Maybe it's me so I could see something that few actually get to realize?  Many times we blunder through life, wrapped up in the small things.  I often found myself wondering  what my purpose in life was.  Did I really make a difference in this world?  I have been blessed a thousand fold to find out that yes, I have made a difference in the lives of others.  During the last few weeks I have been humbled by the show of love and support that has come my way.  I’ve been honored that so many people think so much of me to go out of their way to pray for me, leave me supportive messages, give me hugs, etc.  What an awesome feeling to know that maybe you have been doing this thing called life right all along!  What a true gift I’ve been given!


So, that my friends, is why it’s me!!  

2 comments:

Margie Gerstmann said...

You have such a positive attitude and that my dear is why you are going to beat this horrible disease. You have touched each and everyone of us in wonderful ways ;). I have spent more hours than I can count talking your ears off, always leaving you feeling like a new person. You are a strong woman and you have carried a lot on your shoulders over the years and maybe god does give us only what we can handle and maybe there is a reason for what you are going through. No doubt your children will learn what is important in life and what is petty after this. Stay positive, stay strong and fight like a girl! Now on the other side, please allow yourself time to grieve and to cry, and to curl up in your bed and shut out the world for awhile if you need to. This doesn't make you weak, it will keep you strong. You are in my thoughts each and every day and there is no doubt in my mind that you kick cancers ass. xoxoxoxoxo

Darcie said...

If it wasn't for you I would have never gone down to mini kids corner and look what that started...lol. Your fight is an inspiration to so many who know you. You are touching more people than you will ever know.